“Honey, I’m home” called army Sergeant Pedro Fargo to his wife, Margo. She had been dying to hear those three little words and went to greet her heroic hubby, home on leave from the notorious Pretzelmango Bay detention facility, where Pedro was the chief interrogator. “I’m so proud of you” said Margo, hugging him…“Fighting the War on Fear.” Pedro puffed up his chest and boasted, “It’s an honour to defend our liberties.”

“How was your day?” inquired Pedro, dutifully. “Oh, y'know, shopping, cooking, cleaning and part-time pole dancing, the usual…” she sighed, “how about you?” “Great!” he grinned, “we had a Palestinian hanging, two attempted suicides, an attack dog went berserk and I sodomized a filthy terrorist.” “That’s wonderful” said Margo, “you are so brave.” And Pedro went for a shower and a shave before collecting his son from school.

“Hey dad!” cried Bilko as he ran to meet his father. Pedro gave him an affectionate nuggie and took him for a ‘treat’ at McDonalds. “I want to be a torturer, just like you” Bilko said, slurping his aspartame. “Well son…” began Pedro, “you will have to learn to shout very loud, hit very hard and get used to the stench of faeces.” Bilko gnawed on a chicken bone and pondered, “Do I get to shock people?” “Of course” laughed Pedro.

Bilko decided he would practice on his friend Abdul at school and probed his dad for some tips. “First you must dehumanize your victim” instructed Pedro, “see him as a sewer rat and the rest comes easy.” He thought of his own accomplishments; like how he got a lad to admit to being a suicide bomber, because he drove a car and had been to Ahmadabad. All it took was three years of beatings, solitary and sleep deprivation.

Pedro spent his first night off in strip clubs. Margo had been playing Kris Kristofferson’s ‘Third World War’ over and over again, the Prozac had run out and she had PMT, a lethal combination. When he came in she flew at him, shrieking, “What time do you call this…?” Pedro took out his gun, calmly shot her, blew the barrel and said, “Killing time.” Bilko was raised by the State and grew up to be like his father, Lieutenant Colonel Fargo.

 Channel 4  Torture Special